1
00:00:38,448 --> 00:00:41,410
Well, Mrs Miggins, at last we can return to sanity.
2
00:00:41,660 --> 00:00:46,249
The hustings are over, the bunting is down,
the mad hysteria is at an end.
3
00:00:46,499 --> 00:00:49,586
After the chaos of a general election,
we can return to normal.
4
00:00:49,794 --> 00:00:52,505
Has there been a general election, Mr Blackadder?
5
00:00:52,755 --> 00:00:55,884
- Indeed there has, Mrs Miggins.
- Well, I never heard about it.
6
00:00:56,135 --> 00:00:58,762
- Of course not - you're not eligible to vote.
- Why not?
7
00:00:58,971 --> 00:01:02,516
Because virtually no one is: Women, peasants,
8
00:01:02,766 --> 00:01:06,855
chimpanzees, lunatics, Lords...
9
00:01:07,063 --> 00:01:12,569
- That's not true, Lord Nelson's got a vote.
- He's got a "boat", Baldrick.
10
00:01:12,819 --> 00:01:17,450
Marvellous thing, democracy. Look at Manchester:
Population, sixty thousand; electoral roll, three.
11
00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:24,373
Well, I may have a brain the size of a sultana,
but it hardly seems fair to me.
12
00:01:24,624 --> 00:01:28,629
Of course it's not fair and a damn good thing too.
Give the like of Baldrick the vote
13
00:01:28,879 --> 00:01:33,425
and we'll be back to cavorting druids,
death by stoning, and dung for dinner.
14
00:01:33,675 --> 00:01:36,428
I'm having dung for dinner tonight.
15
00:01:36,637 --> 00:01:41,351
- Who are they electing at these elections?
- The same old shower.
16
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:45,939
Fat Tory landowners who get made MPs
when they reach a certain weight,
17
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:51,570
raving revolutionaries who think that because they
do a day's work they have the right to get paid.
18
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:54,782
Basically, it's a right old mess.
Toffs at the top, plebs at the bottom,
19
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,952
and me in the middle making a fat pile of cash
out of both of them.
20
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,998
You'd better watch out, Mr Blackadder,
things are bound to change.
21
00:02:02,207 --> 00:02:04,584
Not while Pitt the Elder's Prime Minister.
22
00:02:04,793 --> 00:02:09,631
He's about as effective as a catflap
in an elephant house.
23
00:02:09,881 --> 00:02:14,428
As long as his feet are warm and he gets a nice
cup of tea in the sun before his morning nap,
24
00:02:14,637 --> 00:02:18,516
he doesn't bother anyone
until his potty needs emptying.
25
00:02:18,724 --> 00:02:20,184
Honourable members of the House of Commons,
26
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:26,608
I call upon the new Prime Minister of Great Britain
and her empires: Mr William Pitt, the Younger.
27
00:02:26,858 --> 00:02:30,654
Mr Speaker, members of the House,
I shall be brief,
28
00:02:30,904 --> 00:02:37,203
as I have rather unfortunately become
Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams.
29
00:02:39,581 --> 00:02:45,003
I look forward to fulfilling my duty in a manner
of which Nanny would be proud.
30
00:02:45,253 --> 00:02:49,717
I shall introduce legislation to
utterly destroy three enemies of the State.
31
00:02:49,967 --> 00:02:53,679
The first is that evil dictator,
Napoleon Bonaparte.
32
00:02:53,929 --> 00:02:56,015
Here, here!
33
00:02:56,223 --> 00:03:02,063
The second is my old geography master,
banana-breath Scrigshanks.
34
00:03:02,314 --> 00:03:07,235
But most of all, sirs, I intend to pursue
that utter slob, the Prince of Wales.
35
00:03:07,444 --> 00:03:09,030
Here, here!
36
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:13,784
Why, this year alone,
he has spent 15,000 pounds on banqueting...
37
00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:16,120
Boo! Boo! Boo!
38
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:18,581
...20,000 pounds on perfume...
39
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,542
Boo!
40
00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:28,383
...and, most astonishingly of all,
an astonishing 59,000 pounds on socks!
41
00:03:29,468 --> 00:03:33,181
Therefore, my three main policy priorities are:
42
00:03:33,431 --> 00:03:36,643
One, war with France;
43
00:03:36,893 --> 00:03:40,855
two, tougher sentences for geography teachers;
44
00:03:41,106 --> 00:03:44,777
and three,
a right royal kick up the Prince's backside!
45
00:03:44,985 --> 00:03:46,570
Hurray!
46
00:03:46,779 --> 00:03:52,869
I now put upon the leader of the Opposition
to test me on my Latin vocab.
47
00:03:53,536 --> 00:03:57,999
Sir, if I may make so bold,
a major crisis has arisen in your affairs.
48
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,756
- Yes, I know, I've been pondering it all morning.
- You have, sir?
49
00:04:04,006 --> 00:04:06,926
Yes - socks! Run out again!
50
00:04:07,218 --> 00:04:11,055
Why is it that no matter how many millions of
pairs of socks I buy, I never seem to have any?
51
00:04:11,305 --> 00:04:14,100
Sir, with your forgiveness,
there is another even weightier problem.
52
00:04:14,351 --> 00:04:16,812
They just disappear!
53
00:04:17,062 --> 00:04:22,651
You'd think someone was coming in here, stealing
the damn things and then selling them off.
54
00:04:25,697 --> 00:04:29,325
Impossible, sir.
Only you and I have access to your socks.
55
00:04:29,575 --> 00:04:31,661
Yes, yes, you're right.
56
00:04:31,869 --> 00:04:36,709
For me, socks are like sex: Tons of it about,
but I never seem to get any.
57
00:04:36,959 --> 00:04:42,006
If I may return to this very urgent matter.
I read fearful news in this morning's paper.
58
00:04:42,256 --> 00:04:45,676
Oh, no. Not another little cat caught up in a tree.
59
00:04:45,926 --> 00:04:50,724
No, sir. There's a vote afoot in the new Parliament
to strike you from the Civil List.
60
00:04:50,932 --> 00:04:54,060
Oh, yes, but what are they going to do
about my socks!
61
00:04:54,269 --> 00:04:57,564
If this bill goes through,
you won't have any socks...
62
00:04:57,772 --> 00:05:03,779
...or trousers, shirts, waistcoats, or pantaloons.
They're going to bankrupt you.
63
00:05:04,030 --> 00:05:07,074
They can't do that - the public love me!
64
00:05:07,325 --> 00:05:12,581
Only the other day, I was out in the street
and they sang, "We hail Prince George"!
65
00:05:12,789 --> 00:05:16,585
We "hate" Prince George.
66
00:05:16,793 --> 00:05:20,380
- Was it?
- I fear so, sir. However, all is not lost.
67
00:05:22,008 --> 00:05:24,719
Fortunately, the numbers in the Commons
are exactly equal.
68
00:05:24,969 --> 00:05:27,764
If we can get one more MP to support us,
then you're safe.
69
00:05:27,972 --> 00:05:30,516
Hurrah! Any ideas?
70
00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:34,021
Well, yes, sir. There is one man
who might be the ace up our sleeve.
71
00:05:34,271 --> 00:05:38,525
A rather crusty, loud-mouthed ace
named Sir Talbot Buxomly.
72
00:05:38,776 --> 00:05:40,277
Never heard of him.
73
00:05:40,486 --> 00:05:45,075
That's hardly surprising, sir. Sir Talbot has
the worst attendance record of any MP.
74
00:05:45,325 --> 00:05:49,537
On the one occasion he did enter the House of
Commons, he passed water in the Great Hall,
75
00:05:49,788 --> 00:05:52,666
and then passed out in the Speaker's Chair.
76
00:05:52,874 --> 00:05:56,212
If we can get him to support us,
then we are safe.
77
00:05:56,462 --> 00:06:02,009
According to 'Who's Who', his interests include
flogging servants, shooting poor people,
78
00:06:02,260 --> 00:06:06,390
and the extension of slavery to anyone
who hasn't got a knighthood.
79
00:06:06,598 --> 00:06:09,476
Excellent!
Sensible policies for a happier Britain!
80
00:06:09,726 --> 00:06:15,148
However, if we are to get him to support us,
he will need some sort of incentive.
81
00:06:15,357 --> 00:06:18,444
- Anything in mind?
- You could appoint him a High Court judge.
82
00:06:18,695 --> 00:06:23,157
- Is he qualified?
- He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool.
83
00:06:25,535 --> 00:06:28,914
Sounds a bit overqualified...
Well, get him here at once!
84
00:06:29,123 --> 00:06:33,752
Certainly, sir. I will return before you can
say "antidisestablishmentarianism".
85
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:38,633
Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that!
Antidistibblincemin...
86
00:06:38,883 --> 00:06:42,178
Antimistilinstid...
87
00:06:43,263 --> 00:06:45,473
Antidistinctly-minty-monetarism...
88
00:06:45,682 --> 00:06:48,351
Your Highness, Sir Talbot Buxomly, MP.
89
00:06:48,602 --> 00:06:52,356
Ah, Buxomly! Roaringly splendid to have you here.
How are you, sir?
90
00:06:52,607 --> 00:06:58,070
Heartily well, Your Highness. I dined hugely
off a servant before coming to town.
91
00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,533
- You eat your servants?
- No, sir, I eat "off" them.
92
00:07:01,783 --> 00:07:05,787
Why should I spend good money on tables
when I have men standing idle?
93
00:07:05,996 --> 00:07:09,207
Why, indeed! Now, I dare say
you've heard of Mr Pitt's intentions.
94
00:07:09,416 --> 00:07:10,667
Young scallywag!
95
00:07:10,917 --> 00:07:14,005
- So you don't approve of his plans to abolish me.
- I do not, sir.
96
00:07:14,255 --> 00:07:18,176
Damn his eyes! Damn his britches!
Damn his duck pond!
97
00:07:18,426 --> 00:07:19,594
Hurrah for that!
98
00:07:19,802 --> 00:07:24,892
I care not a jot that you are the son of
a certified sauerkraut-sucking loon!
99
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:27,978
It minds not me that you dress like a mad parrot
100
00:07:28,228 --> 00:07:33,526
and talk like a plate of beans negotiating
their way out of a cow's digestive system.
101
00:07:33,777 --> 00:07:36,029
It is no skin off my rosy nose
102
00:07:36,237 --> 00:07:41,368
that there are bits of lemon peel floating down the
Thames that would make better Regents than you.
103
00:07:41,576 --> 00:07:45,414
The fact is, you "are" Regent,
appointed by God,
104
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:49,001
and I shall stick by you forever,
though infirmity lay me waste
105
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:52,838
and ill health
curse my every waking moment.
106
00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:56,677
Well, good on you, sir.
And don't talk to me about infirmity.
107
00:07:56,927 --> 00:08:01,348
Why, sir, you are the hardy stock
that is the core of Britain's greatness.
108
00:08:01,598 --> 00:08:06,729
You have the physique of a demigod.
Purple of cheek, and plump of fetlock,
109
00:08:06,980 --> 00:08:12,652
the shapely ankle and the well-filled trouser that
tells of a human body in perfect working order.
110
00:08:12,902 --> 00:08:15,488
He's dead, sir.
111
00:08:15,697 --> 00:08:16,906
Dead?
112
00:08:17,115 --> 00:08:21,078
- Yes, Your Highness.
- What bad luck, we were rather getting on.
113
00:08:21,328 --> 00:08:23,747
- We must move at once.
- In which direction?
114
00:08:23,998 --> 00:08:27,042
Sir Talbot represented the constituency of
Dunny-on-the-Wold,
115
00:08:27,293 --> 00:08:30,380
and, by an extraordinary stroke of luck,
it is a rotten borough.
116
00:08:30,630 --> 00:08:33,341
Really? Is it?
117
00:08:33,591 --> 00:08:37,387
Well, lucky, lucky us.
118
00:08:37,637 --> 00:08:41,684
Lucky, lucky, luck. Luck-luck...
Lark! Lark!
119
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:47,481
Lark! Lark! Lark! Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!
Lark! Lark! Lark!
120
00:08:54,948 --> 00:08:57,868
You don't know what a rotten borough is,
do you, sir?
121
00:08:58,118 --> 00:08:59,286
No.
122
00:08:59,494 --> 00:09:02,540
So what was the chicken impression in aid of?
123
00:09:02,749 --> 00:09:06,836
I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
So, what is a robber button?
124
00:09:07,086 --> 00:09:12,050
"Rotten borough." A rotten borough, sir, is a
constituency where the owner of the land
125
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,554
corruptly controls both the voters and the MP.
126
00:09:15,804 --> 00:09:19,642
- Good, yes, and a robber button is?
- Could we leave that for a moment?
127
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:22,936
Dunny-on-the-Wold
is a tuppenny-ha'penny place.
128
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:27,359
Half an acre of sodden marshland
in the Suffolk Fens with an empty town hall on it.
129
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:33,073
Population: Three rather mangy cows,
a dachshund named Colin,
130
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:38,454
and a small hen in its late forties.
131
00:09:38,871 --> 00:09:42,416
So, no people at all, then?
Apart from Colin.
132
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:45,628
- Colin is a dog, sir.
- Yes, yes, yes.
133
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:48,882
Only one actual person lives there,
and he is the voter.
134
00:09:49,132 --> 00:09:52,386
- So, what's the plan?
- We must buy Dunny-on-the-Wold at once,
135
00:09:52,636 --> 00:09:56,515
and thus control the voter.
I shall need a thousand pounds.
136
00:09:56,723 --> 00:10:01,062
A thousand pounds? I thought you said it
was a "tuppenny-ha'penny" place.
137
00:10:01,270 --> 00:10:05,400
Yes, sir, the land will cost tuppence ha'penny, but
there are other factors to be considered:
138
00:10:05,650 --> 00:10:08,696
Stamp duty, window tax,
139
00:10:08,946 --> 00:10:14,410
swamp insurance, hen food, dog biscuits,
cow ointment - the expenses are endless.
140
00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:18,205
- Fine, the money's in my desk.
- No, sir, it's in my wallet.
141
00:10:18,414 --> 00:10:21,293
Oh, splendid! No time to lose, eh?
142
00:10:21,543 --> 00:10:25,130
My thoughts precisely, sir.
The only question is who to choose as MP.
143
00:10:25,380 --> 00:10:28,049
- Tricky.
- What we need is an utter unknown,
144
00:10:28,258 --> 00:10:34,056
yet someone over whom we have complete power.
A man with no mind, with no ideas of his own.
145
00:10:34,265 --> 00:10:38,644
One might almost say
a man with no brain.
146
00:10:41,940 --> 00:10:46,236
- Any thoughts?
- Yes, Your Highness.
147
00:10:48,572 --> 00:10:53,870
- You rang, My Lord?
- Meet the new MP for Dunny-on-the-Wold.
148
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,956
But he's an absolute arsehead!
149
00:10:57,206 --> 00:11:02,211
Precisely, sir. Our slogan shall be:
"A rotten candidate for a rotten borough".
150
00:11:02,211 --> 00:11:09,053
Baldrick, I want you to go back to your
kitchen sink and prepare for government.
151
00:11:09,053 --> 00:11:14,308
Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this
MP application form.
152
00:11:14,517 --> 00:11:16,811
Name: Baldrick.
153
00:11:17,062 --> 00:11:19,898
- First name?
- I'm not sure.
154
00:11:20,148 --> 00:11:25,236
- You must have some idea...
- Well, it might be "Sod off".
155
00:11:26,614 --> 00:11:27,573
What?
156
00:11:27,823 --> 00:11:32,620
When I used to play in the gutter, I used to say
to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick",
157
00:11:32,828 --> 00:11:36,415
and they'd say,
"Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick".
158
00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:40,629
All right..."Mr S. Baldrick".
159
00:11:40,837 --> 00:11:46,718
- Now, distinguishing features? None.
- I've got this growth in the middle of my face.
160
00:11:46,969 --> 00:11:52,809
That's your nose, Baldrick.
Any history of insanity in the family?
161
00:11:53,059 --> 00:11:58,356
Tell you what, I'll cross out the "in".
Any history of "sanity" in the family?
162
00:11:58,564 --> 00:12:01,318
"None whatsoever."
163
00:12:01,568 --> 00:12:04,113
- Now, then, criminal record...
- Absolutely not.
164
00:12:04,363 --> 00:12:07,741
Come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP,
for God's sake!
165
00:12:07,992 --> 00:12:12,038
I'll just put "fraud and sexual deviancy".
166
00:12:12,289 --> 00:12:15,875
Now, minimum bribe level...
167
00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:18,003
One turnip.
168
00:12:18,211 --> 00:12:21,924
Hang on,
I don't want to price myself out of the market.
169
00:12:23,634 --> 00:12:28,889
Baldrick, do you have any ambitions in life
apart from the acquisition of turnips?
170
00:12:29,140 --> 00:12:30,224
No.
171
00:12:30,474 --> 00:12:33,520
What would you do
if I gave you a thousand pounds?
172
00:12:33,770 --> 00:12:36,648
I'd get a little turnip of my own.
173
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,651
What would you do
if I gave you a million pounds?
174
00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:43,239
That's different.
I'd get a great big turnip in the country.
175
00:12:43,448 --> 00:12:48,578
Oh God, I'll get that. Sign here.
176
00:12:54,877 --> 00:12:57,463
Your Highness, Pitt the Younger.
177
00:12:57,713 --> 00:13:02,134
Why, hello there, young sabre, m'lad!
I say, here's fun.
178
00:13:02,384 --> 00:13:07,849
I've a shiny sixpence here for the clever fellow
who can tell me which hand it's in.
179
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,770
Oh, school, school! On half hols, is it?
180
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:17,068
I bet you can't wait to get back and get that bat in
your hand, and give those balls a good walloping.
181
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:20,404
Mr Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.
182
00:13:20,655 --> 00:13:23,824
Oh, go on! Is he? What, young Snotty here?
183
00:13:24,075 --> 00:13:29,665
- I'd rather have a runny nose than a runny brain.
- Eh?
184
00:13:29,665 --> 00:13:34,878
Prime Minister, we do have some lovely jelly in
the pantry. I don't know if you'd be interested.
185
00:13:35,128 --> 00:13:38,675
Don't patronise me,
you lower middle class yobbo!
186
00:13:40,718 --> 00:13:42,887
What flavour is it?
187
00:13:43,096 --> 00:13:44,722
- Blackcurrant.
- Eeeuughhh!
188
00:13:44,973 --> 00:13:48,685
I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM?
Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me.
189
00:13:48,935 --> 00:13:53,816
We used to line up four or five of his sort, make
them bend over, and use them as a toast-rack.
190
00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:58,570
It doesn't surprise me, sir. I know your sort.
191
00:13:58,779 --> 00:14:05,036
Once, it was I who stood in the cold schoolroom,
a hot crumpet burning my cheeks with shame.
192
00:14:05,286 --> 00:14:10,625
Since that day, I have been busy every hour
God sends, working to become Prime Minister
193
00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:13,296
and fight sloth and privilege wherever I found it.
194
00:14:13,546 --> 00:14:17,800
I trust you weren't too busy
to remove the crumpet.
195
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:22,013
You will regret this, gentlemen. You think
you can thwart my plans to bankrupt the Prince
196
00:14:22,263 --> 00:14:26,351
by fixing the Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election,
but you will be thrashed!
197
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:30,314
I intend to put up my own brother
as a candidate against you.
198
00:14:30,522 --> 00:14:35,361
And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler?
199
00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:38,448
Pitt the Embryo?
200
00:14:38,698 --> 00:14:41,075
Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?
201
00:14:41,326 --> 00:14:42,076
Ha!
202
00:14:43,453 --> 00:14:47,624
Sirs, as I said to Chancellor Metternich
at the Congress of Strasbourg:
203
00:14:47,875 --> 00:14:52,254
"Pooh to you with knobs on!"
We shall meet, sirs, on the hustings.
204
00:14:52,504 --> 00:14:56,801
I say, Blackadder, what a ghastly squit!
He's not going to win, is he?
205
00:14:57,052 --> 00:15:01,222
No, sir, because, firstly, we shall fight this
campaign on issues, not personalities.
206
00:15:01,473 --> 00:15:05,101
Secondly, we shall be
the only fresh thing on the menu.
207
00:15:07,104 --> 00:15:11,233
And thirdly, of course, we'll cheat.
208
00:15:11,484 --> 00:15:15,821
Good evening and welcome to the
Dunny-on-the-Wold by-election.
209
00:15:16,072 --> 00:15:21,953
The turnout has been very good. As a matter of
fact, the voter turned out before breakfast.
210
00:15:22,162 --> 00:15:25,624
And I can bring you the
result of our exclusive Exit Poll
211
00:15:25,874 --> 00:15:29,587
which produced a 100% result for...
212
00:15:29,837 --> 00:15:33,508
..."mind your own business, you nosy bastard".
213
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:36,636
Mr Hanna, are you going
to talk to any of the candidates?
214
00:15:36,886 --> 00:15:42,518
I certainly am, and I can see Prince George,
who is leader of the Adder Party.
215
00:15:42,768 --> 00:15:49,692
Prince George, described in his party news sheet
as a "great moral and spiritual leader",
216
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:54,280
but described by almost everyone else
as a "fat, flatulent git".
217
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,908
- Prince George, hello.
- Good evening.
218
00:15:57,117 --> 00:16:01,830
And good evening, Colin. How do you see
your prospects in this campaign?
219
00:16:02,081 --> 00:16:06,711
Well, first, I'd like a word about the disgraceful
circumstances in which this election arose.
220
00:16:06,919 --> 00:16:10,881
We paid for this seat, and I think it's a damn
liberty that we should have to stand for it as well.
221
00:16:11,132 --> 00:16:16,013
And why is it, that no matter how many pairs of
socks you buy, you never seem to have enough?
222
00:16:16,263 --> 00:16:18,015
Fighting words from the Prince Regent.
223
00:16:18,265 --> 00:16:22,853
And now let's have a word from
the Adder Party candidate, Mr S. Baldrick,
224
00:16:23,103 --> 00:16:28,776
who so far has not commented on
his policies in this campaign,
225
00:16:29,027 --> 00:16:32,864
but with him is his election agent,
Mr E. Blackadder.
226
00:16:33,072 --> 00:16:37,369
Well, we in the Adder Party are going to fight
this campaign on issues, not personalities.
227
00:16:37,619 --> 00:16:42,041
- Why is that?
- Our candidate doesn't have a personality.
228
00:16:42,249 --> 00:16:46,838
- He doesn't say much about the issues, either.
- No, he's got something wrong with his throat.
229
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:50,050
Perhaps he could answer one question.
What does the "S" in his name stand for?
230
00:16:50,258 --> 00:16:54,637
- "Sod off".
- Fair enough, none of my business, really.
231
00:16:54,846 --> 00:16:59,977
And now it's time, I think, for a result,
and tension is running very high here.
232
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:04,565
Mr Blackadder assures me that this will be
the first honest vote ever in a rotten borough.
233
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:08,862
And I think we all hope for a result
which reflects the real needs of the constituency.
234
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:13,533
And behind me I can just see the Returning
Officer moving to the front of the platform.
235
00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:17,746
As the Acting Returning Officer
for Dunny-on-the-Wold...
236
00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,750
The Acting Returning Officer,
Mr E. Blackadder, of course.
237
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,961
And we're all very grateful
that he stepped in at the last minute,
238
00:17:24,212 --> 00:17:29,592
when the previous Returning Officer accidently
stabbed himself in the stomach while shaving.
239
00:17:29,801 --> 00:17:35,933
I now announce the number of votes cast as
follows: Brigadier General Horace Bolsom...
240
00:17:36,183 --> 00:17:39,937
Keep-Royalty-White-Rat-
Catching-And-Safe-Sewage-Residents Party...
241
00:17:40,145 --> 00:17:41,225
No votes.
242
00:17:48,446 --> 00:17:51,116
Ivor "Jest ye not madam" Biggun...
243
00:17:51,366 --> 00:17:55,371
Standing-At-The-Back-Dressed-
Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party...
244
00:17:55,621 --> 00:17:56,701
No votes.
245
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,842
- Pitt, the Even Younger...
- Whig...
246
00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:11,888
- No votes.
- Oh, there's a shock.
247
00:18:11,888 --> 00:18:14,433
- Mr S. Baldrick...
- Adder Party...
248
00:18:14,684 --> 00:18:15,524
16,472.
249
00:18:21,941 --> 00:18:26,822
And there you have it: Victory for the Adder Party,
a sensational swing against the Whigs.
250
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:31,452
I'll just try to get a final word with some of the
candidates as they come up from the stage.
251
00:18:31,702 --> 00:18:34,705
Master William Pitt the Even Younger,
are you disappointed?
252
00:18:34,955 --> 00:18:39,919
Yes! I'm horrified! I smeared my opponent,
bribed the press to be on my side,
253
00:18:40,170 --> 00:18:42,339
and threatened to torture the electorate if we lost.
254
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:45,175
I fail to see
what more a decent politician could have done.
255
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:48,179
Ivor Biggun, no votes at all for the
256
00:18:48,387 --> 00:18:50,890
Standing-At-The-Back-
Dressed-Stupidly-And-Looking-Stupid Party.
257
00:18:51,098 --> 00:18:53,476
- Are you disappointed?
- No, not really, no...
258
00:18:53,684 --> 00:18:57,855
I always say,
"If you can't laugh, what 'can' you do?"
259
00:18:58,773 --> 00:19:02,069
Take up politics, perhaps.
Has your party got any policies?
260
00:19:02,277 --> 00:19:07,240
Oh yes, certainly! We're for the compulsory
serving of asparagus at breakfast,
261
00:19:07,449 --> 00:19:10,662
free corsets for the under-5's,
and the abolition of slavery.
262
00:19:10,912 --> 00:19:14,165
Many moderate people
would respect your stand on asparagus,
263
00:19:14,415 --> 00:19:17,543
but what about this extremist nonsense
about abolishing slavery?
264
00:19:17,794 --> 00:19:22,299
Oh, we just put that in for a joke!
See you next year!
265
00:19:22,508 --> 00:19:27,388
And now, finally, a word with the man who is at
the centre of this by-election mystery:
266
00:19:27,638 --> 00:19:34,896
The voter himself.
And his name is Mr E. Bla...
267
00:19:35,105 --> 00:19:38,066
Mr Blackadder, "you" are the only voter
in this rotten borough.
268
00:19:38,274 --> 00:19:40,360
Yes, that's right.
269
00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:44,281
- How long have you lived in this constituency?
- Since Wednesday morning.
270
00:19:46,951 --> 00:19:49,870
I took over from the previous electorate
when he, very sadly,
271
00:19:50,121 --> 00:19:55,210
accidently brutally cut his head off
while combing his hair.
272
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:59,256
One voter, 16,472 votes...
273
00:19:59,506 --> 00:20:02,134
- A slight anomaly?
- Not really, Mr Hanna.
274
00:20:02,342 --> 00:20:07,807
You see, Baldrick may look like a monkey who's
been put in a suit and then strategically shaved,
275
00:20:08,057 --> 00:20:09,684
but he is a brilliant politician.
276
00:20:09,934 --> 00:20:14,814
The number of votes I cast is simply a reflection
of how firmly I believe in his policies.
277
00:20:15,064 --> 00:20:19,903
Well, that's excellent. That's all for me -
another great day for democracy in our country.
278
00:20:20,112 --> 00:20:25,451
Vincent Hanna, Country Gentleman's Pig
Fertilizer Gazette, Dunny-on-the-Wold.
279
00:20:25,701 --> 00:20:29,581
We are reprieved. It is a triumph
for stupidity over common sense.
280
00:20:29,831 --> 00:20:33,793
- Thank you very much.
- As a reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday.
281
00:20:34,002 --> 00:20:37,797
Did you enjoy it? Right.
282
00:20:38,006 --> 00:20:41,719
Will the honourable Members
please cast their votes, 'aye' or 'nay',
283
00:20:41,927 --> 00:20:45,556
for the striking of the Prince
Regent off the Civil List.
284
00:20:45,765 --> 00:20:47,350
Excuse me...
285
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,478
Excuse me...
286
00:20:49,686 --> 00:20:50,896
Excuse me!
287
00:20:51,104 --> 00:20:54,441
- Hello, little chappie. Are you a new bug?
- Yeah, I don't know anyone here.
288
00:20:54,691 --> 00:20:57,319
I support the Prince and I don't know how to vote.
289
00:20:57,527 --> 00:21:01,240
We can soon change all of that, can't we?
Come along with me.
290
00:21:01,491 --> 00:21:04,494
Oh, thanks.
291
00:21:07,246 --> 00:21:11,584
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the Lord Privy Toast-Rack.
292
00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:14,505
Pull up a muffin, sit yourself down.
293
00:21:14,713 --> 00:21:19,218
- You don't like me, do you, Mr Blackadder?
- Well, nobody likes a loser.
294
00:21:19,468 --> 00:21:23,181
- Then that's why nobody likes "you".
- What?
295
00:21:23,390 --> 00:21:26,893
You lost the vote.
Your monkey obligingly voted for us.
296
00:21:27,102 --> 00:21:29,104
Oh God, no.
297
00:21:29,354 --> 00:21:34,318
If you want something done properly,
kill Baldrick before you start.
298
00:21:36,654 --> 00:21:41,033
You're beaten, Oik! And you and your disgusting
master have twenty-four hours to get out.
299
00:21:41,283 --> 00:21:44,704
Twenty-four hours is a long time in politics.
Good day.
300
00:21:44,955 --> 00:21:49,626
There is just one thing before I go.
301
00:21:50,085 --> 00:21:54,172
I've got this sort of downy hair developing
on my chest, is that normal?
302
00:21:54,423 --> 00:21:57,385
Also, I get so lonely and confused.
303
00:21:57,593 --> 00:22:00,722
I've written a poem about it,
maybe you'll understand.
304
00:22:00,930 --> 00:22:05,560
- "Why do nice girls hate me? Why..."
- Get out, you nauseating adolescent!
305
00:22:05,810 --> 00:22:08,647
Piss off!
306
00:22:14,111 --> 00:22:18,908
How could I have been so stupid?
Goodbye, Millionaire's Row.
307
00:22:19,159 --> 00:22:26,416
Hello, Room 12 of the Budley Salterton Twilight
Rest Home for the Terminally Short of Cash!
308
00:22:26,666 --> 00:22:29,879
And to think you once dreamed
you'd end up in the House of Lords.
309
00:22:30,129 --> 00:22:32,214
- What?
- The House of Lords.
310
00:22:32,423 --> 00:22:36,469
I'd forgotten about the House of Lords!
The Lords will never let the bill through.
311
00:22:36,719 --> 00:22:40,390
Every man-jack of them will be behind the Prince.
312
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,894
- Right, take Baldrick off the spit.
- Hurrah...
313
00:22:44,144 --> 00:22:50,817
I've got a plan so cunning you could put a
tail on it and call it a weasel.
314
00:22:51,569 --> 00:22:52,904
Da-daa!
315
00:22:55,031 --> 00:22:57,158
Oi, tally-ho, Blackadder!
316
00:22:57,367 --> 00:23:01,079
You look as happy as a man who thought
a cat had done its business on his pie,
317
00:23:01,287 --> 00:23:05,834
but it turned out to be an extra big blackberry.
318
00:23:08,128 --> 00:23:11,215
- Did our plan go well?
- Excellently, sir.
319
00:23:11,465 --> 00:23:13,885
Order a thousand pairs of finest cotton socks.
320
00:23:14,135 --> 00:23:16,596
Take out the drawings
for that beach hut at Brighton.
321
00:23:16,846 --> 00:23:20,433
- Hurrah!
- There was, however, one slight...
322
00:23:20,684 --> 00:23:23,228
...hiccup.
323
00:23:23,478 --> 00:23:26,899
"Cough" I think you mean.
324
00:23:27,149 --> 00:23:30,319
No, sir, "hiccup".
325
00:23:30,569 --> 00:23:34,407
The motion about your impoverishment
has now moved on to the House of Lords.
326
00:23:34,657 --> 00:23:38,704
Bravo! Well, no worry there, then.
Every man-jack of them will be behind me.
327
00:23:38,954 --> 00:23:42,457
Ah, would that were so, Your Highness.
These are treacherous times.
328
00:23:42,666 --> 00:23:44,042
- Are they?
- Yes.
329
00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:48,673
It might be wise to appoint a new Lord,
to make sure the old Lords vote the right way.
330
00:23:48,923 --> 00:23:52,093
Good thought. New Lord...
331
00:23:52,343 --> 00:23:57,891
- Any idea who?
- Well, sir, one name does leap to mind.
332
00:23:58,142 --> 00:24:00,269
- Does it?
- Yes, sir.
333
00:24:00,477 --> 00:24:03,063
You couldn't make it leap any higher, could you?
334
00:24:03,313 --> 00:24:06,442
A young man in your service, sir,
who has done sterling work
335
00:24:06,692 --> 00:24:12,115
matching the political machinations
of the evil Pitt.
336
00:24:12,407 --> 00:24:16,870
Ah, of course! Blackadder, oh,
how can I ever thank you enough?
337
00:24:17,078 --> 00:24:19,456
It might also be worth bribing a few Lords,
338
00:24:19,707 --> 00:24:22,585
just to make sure they vote
the way their consciences tell them.
339
00:24:22,793 --> 00:24:26,881
- How many should we bribe?
- Oh, I think three hundred, to be sure,
340
00:24:27,131 --> 00:24:29,800
at a thousand pounds each.
341
00:24:30,009 --> 00:24:35,724
- Three hundred thousand pounds?
- Four hundred thousand, I think you'll find, sir.
342
00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:40,896
Yes, you're right. Well, thank God
I've got you to advise me, Bladder.
343
00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:44,233
Just remind me, what do I have to do
to appoint this Lord chappie?
344
00:24:44,442 --> 00:24:50,073
Oh, it's very simple, sir. You put on
your robes of State, he puts on his,
345
00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:54,620
then you sign the Document of Ennoblement
and dispatch him at once to the House of Lords.
346
00:24:54,870 --> 00:25:01,126
- Excellent! I shall change immediately.
- And so, sir, shall I.
347
00:25:02,211 --> 00:25:08,009
Voilá, Mrs Miggins. My robes of State.
A thousand pounds well spent, I think.
348
00:25:08,218 --> 00:25:11,721
Oh, very nice!
349
00:25:11,971 --> 00:25:14,891
Oh, it's real cat, isn't it?
350
00:25:15,142 --> 00:25:18,979
This is not cat, Mrs Miggins.
This is finest, leather-trimmed ermine
351
00:25:19,230 --> 00:25:21,357
with gold medallion accessories.
352
00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:24,402
Oh, go on, Mr Blackadder, it's cat.
353
00:25:24,610 --> 00:25:29,658
Oh, look, they've left the little collars on.
354
00:25:29,658 --> 00:25:36,081
"Mr Frisky. If found, please return to Emma
Hamilton, Marine Parade, Portsmouth."
355
00:25:36,331 --> 00:25:40,795
Oh, God! Ah, well, who cares about a dead cat
now that I'm a fat cat.
356
00:25:41,003 --> 00:25:47,552
- You're full of yourself today, Mr B!
- Which is more than can be said for Mr Frisky.
357
00:25:50,514 --> 00:25:52,307
My Lord.
358
00:25:52,516 --> 00:25:55,644
- My Lords.
- I'm sorry, sir?
359
00:25:55,853 --> 00:25:59,482
My Lords.
There is more than one Lord in the vicinity.
360
00:25:59,691 --> 00:26:01,026
Well, yes...
361
00:26:01,276 --> 00:26:06,031
Will you please welcome His Grace,
The Lord Baldrick!
362
00:26:12,747 --> 00:26:18,169
You made Baldrick a Lord?
363
00:26:18,419 --> 00:26:21,213
Well, yes.
"One who has recently done sterling work,
364
00:26:21,423 --> 00:26:25,260
matching the political machinations
of the evil Pitt." Good old Lord Baldrick.
365
00:26:25,510 --> 00:26:29,014
It's alright, Blackadder,
you don't have to curtsey or anything.
366
00:26:29,222 --> 00:26:33,728
- Might I let loose a short, violent exclamation?
- Certainly.
367
00:26:33,936 --> 00:26:36,606
Damn! Thank you, sir.
368
00:26:36,856 --> 00:26:39,942
I say, that's a bit of a strange get-up
you've got there, isn't it, Blackadder?
369
00:26:40,193 --> 00:26:43,279
Yes, I'm just off to a fancy dress party.
370
00:26:43,530 --> 00:26:47,701
I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.
371
00:26:51,205 --> 00:26:56,127
There's just one question, sir, about the
four hundred thousand to influence the Lords.
372
00:26:56,378 --> 00:27:00,757
Ah, yes, I gave that to Lord Baldrick.
373
00:27:00,757 --> 00:27:03,927
Sir, might I be permitted
to take Lord Baldrick downstairs
374
00:27:04,135 --> 00:27:06,972
to give him some instruction
in his lordly duties?
375
00:27:07,223 --> 00:27:09,100
I think that's a splendid idea.
376
00:27:09,308 --> 00:27:13,687
This way, My Lord.
377
00:27:18,110 --> 00:27:20,987
Give me the bloody money, Baldrick,
or you're dead!
378
00:27:21,238 --> 00:27:25,075
"Give me the bloody money, Baldrick,
or you're dead, 'My Lord'!"
379
00:27:25,075 --> 00:27:28,705
Just do it, Baldrick!
Otherwise, I shall further ennoble you
380
00:27:28,913 --> 00:27:32,375
by knighting you
rather clumsily with this meat cleaver.
381
00:27:32,625 --> 00:27:34,460
- I haven't got it.
- What?
382
00:27:34,711 --> 00:27:37,505
- I spent it.
- You spent it?
383
00:27:37,755 --> 00:27:43,971
What could "you"
possibly spend 400,000 pounds on?
384
00:27:45,556 --> 00:27:47,683
Oh, no...
385
00:27:47,891 --> 00:27:50,353
Oh, God, don't tell me.
386
00:27:50,562 --> 00:27:52,981
My dream turnip.
387
00:27:53,189 --> 00:27:58,528
Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip
that cost 400,000 pounds?
388
00:27:58,778 --> 00:28:02,575
Well, I had to haggle.
389
00:28:06,162 --> 00:28:09,665
This is the worst moment of my entire life.
390
00:28:09,874 --> 00:28:14,546
I spent my last penny on a catskin windcheater,
391
00:28:14,796 --> 00:28:17,215
and I've just broken a priceless turnip.
392
00:28:18,884 --> 00:28:25,558
And now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered
by a naked Tunisian sock merchant.
393
00:28:25,808 --> 00:28:28,186
And all I can say, Baldrick, is this:
394
00:28:28,436 --> 00:28:32,523
It's the last time I dabble in politics!